You nasty piece of work! :) Okay - a couple of observations; in broad terms, I think your script reads well, but I don't like the passivity of the accident as you've written it here, as the accident seems to have no instigator - it's just unfortunate, and so the ferocity of the clown's reprisal seems a bit too much. It could be something as small as the pastry chef turning up the flame beneath one of the pots, but it would make more sense maybe if the chef did something to the hot water the pot wash boy uses; so that he scalds himself; maybe we see one of the chef's dialling up the thermostat to maximum, the boy puts his hands in to the water, reacts, falls, knocks the hot pans onto himself etc. It just needs to be clear that the accident was caused by the actions of the other chefs, otherwise are sympathies, however limited, will not be with the clown, and they need to be.
I found the use of the 'F' word a bit shocking in the context of your art-style; personally, I don't think it suits your world; in terms of language, you could make your chef pompous and long-winded, as opposed to foul-mouthed - so words like 'imbecile' and incompetent cretin' might be more in character?
In terms of the violence described at the end - again, I think a Psycho-inspired artfulness and restraint might serve you better than 'Saw' - I can imagine how a great set of sound effects and some creative montage editing could make for a striking murder scene (as opposed to just a nasty one) - it seems to me that the reveal of the Chef as the clown should come as a horrid reveal, so it makes further sense to imply more of the attack.
In terms of efficiency, I think you could make this a two-hander - so you just have the potwash boy and the pastry chef - make it more purely about those two characters. You could imply the presence of other characters in the kitchen, but really you could reduce this down to a two-hander. I think your story would be stronger for it, it also solves the logic problem of why the pastry chef would hang about waiting to be killed while the other chefs are being murdered.
Lastly, I don't think the repeat of the 'Who's laughing now' is working, because it robs the line of power; maybe just have him say it once?
In terms of character design, I somehow think you've got to adopt a less soft, whimsical style, and go for something a bit moodier; the whole 'Sin City' aesthetic is too strong, but I can see how thinking more like a comic book artist might give something to your world that it doesn't quite have yet - a sharper, more graphical feel?
Indeed, with your 1920s setting, I'm wondering if a really bold design style might derive from looking at Art Deco graphical art/posters - it's a very different approach, but I suspect you're struggling a bit to marry your world to the tone of your story - and this harder, more graphical approach might give you what you're looking for? Indeed, maybe your world is a black and white one?
Thanks for your comments Phil. Sorry about the language - I did the Hokey Cokey a few times putting it in and taking it out again! Think I got into a bit of verbal diarrhoea in the end just trying to get it all out of my brain. Love the comic book idea. I really would love to go in that direction and I definitely want to stick with the idea of it being in black and white. Apologies too for not having my storyboard in place yet. I'll catch you tomorrow if I can and explain. I look forward to sketching in comic book stylee on the flight next week! :)
OGR 05/02/2015
ReplyDeleteHi Emma,
You nasty piece of work! :) Okay - a couple of observations; in broad terms, I think your script reads well, but I don't like the passivity of the accident as you've written it here, as the accident seems to have no instigator - it's just unfortunate, and so the ferocity of the clown's reprisal seems a bit too much. It could be something as small as the pastry chef turning up the flame beneath one of the pots, but it would make more sense maybe if the chef did something to the hot water the pot wash boy uses; so that he scalds himself; maybe we see one of the chef's dialling up the thermostat to maximum, the boy puts his hands in to the water, reacts, falls, knocks the hot pans onto himself etc. It just needs to be clear that the accident was caused by the actions of the other chefs, otherwise are sympathies, however limited, will not be with the clown, and they need to be.
I found the use of the 'F' word a bit shocking in the context of your art-style; personally, I don't think it suits your world; in terms of language, you could make your chef pompous and long-winded, as opposed to foul-mouthed - so words like 'imbecile' and incompetent cretin' might be more in character?
In terms of the violence described at the end - again, I think a Psycho-inspired artfulness and restraint might serve you better than 'Saw' - I can imagine how a great set of sound effects and some creative montage editing could make for a striking murder scene (as opposed to just a nasty one) - it seems to me that the reveal of the Chef as the clown should come as a horrid reveal, so it makes further sense to imply more of the attack.
In terms of efficiency, I think you could make this a two-hander - so you just have the potwash boy and the pastry chef - make it more purely about those two characters. You could imply the presence of other characters in the kitchen, but really you could reduce this down to a two-hander. I think your story would be stronger for it, it also solves the logic problem of why the pastry chef would hang about waiting to be killed while the other chefs are being murdered.
Lastly, I don't think the repeat of the 'Who's laughing now' is working, because it robs the line of power; maybe just have him say it once?
In terms of character design, I somehow think you've got to adopt a less soft, whimsical style, and go for something a bit moodier; the whole 'Sin City' aesthetic is too strong, but I can see how thinking more like a comic book artist might give something to your world that it doesn't quite have yet - a sharper, more graphical feel?
http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/millerartist2.jpg
http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/069/5/a/Batman_animated_Commission_by_myporcelaintears.jpg
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0qAl5QSyxoc/TZEnBNYxThI/AAAAAAAAOUQ/AsNfNJTED2I/s1600/batman_animated_tv_series_model_sheet_devil14.png
Indeed, with your 1920s setting, I'm wondering if a really bold design style might derive from looking at Art Deco graphical art/posters - it's a very different approach, but I suspect you're struggling a bit to marry your world to the tone of your story - and this harder, more graphical approach might give you what you're looking for? Indeed, maybe your world is a black and white one?
Anyway - some thoughts. Let me know yours.
Thanks for your comments Phil. Sorry about the language - I did the Hokey Cokey a few times putting it in and taking it out again! Think I got into a bit of verbal diarrhoea in the end just trying to get it all out of my brain. Love the comic book idea. I really would love to go in that direction and I definitely want to stick with the idea of it being in black and white. Apologies too for not having my storyboard in place yet. I'll catch you tomorrow if I can and explain. I look forward to sketching in comic book stylee on the flight next week! :)
Delete